Saturday, April 25, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
I know someday you may ask me how our "birds and the bees talk" went. Now know that is an extremely progressive process, but yesterdays talk was one of the BEST I have ever had.
Me, "hey number 1 I bought some facial cleanser that I want you to start using. I think you are at the begining stages of puberty and it will help keep your face clear."
#1, " Is puberty the same thing as a period?"
Me, " No, periods only happen in girls and women. It is when the uterus.....blah, blah, blah..eggs...blah,blah.......it has other names like menstration, Aunt Flo, the curse, being on the rag. Why do you ask?"
#1, " Some girl in my class just got hers and I didn't know if I was going to get one. She is Native American and got some tatoos by her eyes because she got her period."
(Honestly son, you are so comfortable saying the word period. I don't know how I was able to keep a straight face through our whole conversation.....Wait, it gets better.)
Me, " Puberty is when your hormones shift and your voice changes, you will start to get taller, you may get pimples, and for boys you may notice that your penis will be hard in the morning. This has many names erection, boner and if your sheets are wet some people call that a wet dream. This is nothing to be scared of. It is completely normal. If you ever have any questions I want you to feel free to ask me."
#1, " Do you get wet a lot in the mornings from Dad?"
Me, " Of course
(Okay in my head I am thinking - Don't laugh. You also want him to know it is normal for young men and older men. Go with it.)
Dad gets me wet all of the time.
(Did I just say that? Am I really having this conversation. I can't believe they are so relaxed. Am I too relaxed? )
#3 , "Why don't you want me to squeeze?"
Me,"I just think this is a feeling you want to wait to have with your husband someday."
#3, " I am NEVER getting married - so why can't I squeeze?"
#2, " How big are my eggs?"
#1,"Can I get a tattoo?"
(Ok does tattoo have 2t's and 2o's???? I never write about them so I don't know off hand.)
Me,"Wow look at the dog she is totally eating that paper plate someone left on the floor."
(And here is how we ended our conversation.)
I will NEVER forget our "talk" you guys were great!!! Who knew I could still be shocked. Of course when I told the Captain about it he covered his ears and told me not to say such things in front of him. heeheehee Captain - you are sooooo silly.
Director of Public Relations regarding The Birds and the Bees
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Just a reminder to myself
1. You are totally into Ingrid Michaelson - She takes you to your happy place. Nothing can make you impatient (mentally handicapped brother-in-law) when you have Ingrid in your head. You may look a bit crazed because you turn every sentence into a song; but the patience stays strong. Even when you warn Danny not to say anything offensive at church
(in song "lalala Danny, please don't say anything rude or unkind tralala" )
and you find out he told someone that you may be having more children because the Lord decides when I am done breeding and not me - PATIENCE was strong. I tried to explain a vasectomy. He shakes his head and walks away. Even when he told someone in the grocery store line that he was the father of number 4 - patience. (the problem is he kind of thinks he may have fathered one of my children. Does it make me handicapped to pretend that Taye Diggs fathered one of my children?)
2. I am REALLY into big hair. I don't know if I hit my head and my style from 9th grade returned? I am strangely attracted to myself when I have BIG hair. Sometimes it doesn't have to be big - just 70's ish. I purchased some large purple rollers from Target and they are oddly addicting.
3. I went to the Chiro to get checked out for some vitamin science thing. I was advised that I may have to give them a pubic hair sample if they could not get the 1oz they needed from my head. This was totally funny to me. I still can't stop laughing. Sure, get on in there and get your sample. Really, who would want that job. I would be swallowing small amounts of puke on a hourly basis. Yuck - Yuck.
JUST A SIDE NOTE
1. Number 4 you were in a fight with a scorpion. He won. You are really into kissing anything that hurts. Good thing you are so flexible because you were stung on your feet. (see picture below)