Friday, September 28, 2012

Modeling


Your bff, Emi brought over some "notes" the other day for you.  I gave them to you upon your arrival home and you asked to be photographed.  What is awesome about you Ava is that you model every time I take your picture.  Here are just a few of the "faces" you gave the phonera whilst I was snapping away.





13TEEN



Latrenda and Alyssa planned a super fun surprise birthday party for you while I was at the hospital.   You and Alyssa and Ali had cake and presents and then went to IPIC to see a movie.  You have some amazing people in your life!!








You and the cute ladies.


Sunday, September 23, 2012

Post Surgery - AKA - The Lady is back without the faulty partssss



Lovers, it has now been 48 hours since I had all of my faulty lady bits removed from my amazing body.  I'm sure the rest of me was all, 

"Oh Dr. Wilson.  Please remove the shit that is clogging up my loveliness.  We are being taken down by the essence that is "the female breeding Olympics of the past" Dr. Wilson (Yes we think of Dennis the Mennis also)  we love you so muy much for taking care of our Mistress. "

Above and below is a picture of the type of machine that liberated your mother.  Liberated in the sense that I will no longer have to be taken down by the menstruation and the bowels of fury. 


This is super amazing/painful.  The belly is blown up with CO2 after a multitude of holes are poked in thy belly button.  I can hear you now, "Mom. Please give us a pros and cons list"

Pro:
1.  Dr. Wilson can see the disaster that is "your mother's uterus and diseased lady bits." due to the fact that there is now SO MUCH ROOM IN THERE.
2.  Dr. Wilson can get to all of said problem areas
Con:
1.  IT HURTS LIKE A MOTHA F**ER after surgery.  The first night at the hospital I thought I was having a heart attack.  I looked at the nurse and said, "Oh Dear.  I believe I may be having a heart attack.  It feels a bit weird in the chest area."  Nurses answer, "No drugged up lady - tis just gas"


So, I felt pretty good afterwards.  I walked right away and my "tech" / nurse-man Carlos told me not to be a tough guy.  I told Carlos (and I must say I had to really work at not implementing my everyday vocab of Spanglish so as not to offend) I said, "Carlos, I hear it is good for "the gas" I need to get my ass out there walking."  Carlos disagreed.  Did I mention that when he introduced himself to me he said he was my "tech".  A.....MMMMMAZING

A wee bit later when my body tried puking,  Carlos had a "I told you so" look on his face.  Damn-it Carlos, not cool.  I was given Fennergin.  Hell, I don't know how to spell that.  Let me just say this;  I thought I had a stroke.  My words started slurring and I turned to your father and told him I thought as much.  He laughed.  It wasn't funny.  I said, "Captain.  Seriously thease tell em I ad a stoke"  Hahahahaha.  Now it is muy funny.  

So the rest of the night went ok.  Up every hour to try to push some blue urine out of my body.  Hot Damn that was hard work.  Morning arrived and I looked at your father and said, "I am soooo ready to go home."  I look at the door and Dr. Wilson walked in LITERALLY 2 SECONDS LATER.  I am not joking.  He may be Doctor Jesus.  




Dr. Jesus informed me of what he found in the wombish area.  
1.  Endometriosis (picture of some below)




Dr. Jesus said this surprised him.  Ahhh, I too love a good surprise.   I can't wait for my follow-up;  he said that he has pictures.  Praise Dr. Jesus I knew we were a match made in doctor Jesus heaven.  
2.  Something about the endometriosis attaching some bowels to my left ovary.
3.  Something about "varicose veins" in my pelvic lining.  I know that he didn't call them that, but that was how he related it to me.  He said there were 2 of them and he dug in to the pelvic wall to remove them.  He also stated that they are associated with pain. Rad
4.  Here is the best one.  He said that he stuck a tube (I think he said tube) up my vagina into my uterus and mine was hard.  When he shoved it in he found that I had a "bag" of sorts that old blood was pooling in.  I believe he may have said the word "rot" within this context.  He said he drained it before removing the uterus.  He said that every month since my ablation things have been draining into this area -----wait for it-----------------and staying there.  RAD RAD RAD

Did I mention that Tacy was able to be in on my surgery.  Can I even say how this relaxed me.  I LOVED having her there.  She is the bomb and how cool is it that I was able to meet her last month and have her in on the delicate operation of my goddess organs.  




Thursday, September 20, 2012

Hungry

It is 15 hours until I enter the main stage.  I have shaved, had some eye brow work done, nails done, hair done, and sort of made food for you guys.  (Made food means = I bought food that you can make) In the year 2012 peeps, there is a thing called Pinterest.  Pinterest is my best friend.  Pinterest and I make sweet sweet love alls the time.  (You "pin" pictures of shit you like)  

Anyway, since I have to starve my body prior to the removal of the lard ass of a uterus that has to be removed I am ........................hungry.  I am so hungry that I tried to convince myself that he (Dr. Wilson) wouldn't notice if I ate some potato chips.  I rather think that was Lucinda talking.  Remember she is my personality that came out when you guys had lice.  That lady is crazy.  I shooed her away and I haven't let more than 3 potato chips touch my lips.  I really think I should get a big ol' pat on the back for that.  If you ever wonder where your inner strength comes from---------wild guess......................Me damn-it.  I suggest you be proud of that.  Only a mere 3.  

Back to the Pinterest.  I am now sitting on my computer pinning the shiaz out of food.  That's it.  

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

My Lady Breeding bag will be leaving us FO EVER

Yes,  ya'all have been prepped and prepared for the last 2 weeks for military combat.  The lists are made.  My lady garden's venus flytrap will be removed Friday.  WHOOHOO   Since I can't take any pain medication this week I am in mucho pain.  I couldn't get out of bed this morning.  The Captain stepped up.  Your dad participated in the morning routine today for the first time and my my my he was in shock.  He kept coming in the room and saying:

1.  The girls are in mirror doing their hair and yelling at each other about clothes and stuff
2.  None of the girls are dressed
3.  Ava wants her bangs trimmed
4.  I don't think we are going to make it on time
5.  There is dog poop outside of Carter's bathroom and he just stepped over it and took a shower.
6.. Carter is STILL In the SHOWER

Breathe lover.  I heard Ava let the dogs out of the kennel and yet I haven't heard the back door open.  Hence there is poop;  and there may be more if you don't let them out.

7.  The girls still aren't dressed.  Didn't you have them pick out outfits last night?  It is picture day for heavens sake.

THEN I HEAR MARIACHI MUSIC COMING FROM THE FRONT ROOM.  Ohhh I love this coping mechanism.  Good one Captain.

8.  Ava still isn't dressed.
I looked at him and stated,
"You have a ton of sisters.  Either they didn't care what they looked like or you were too young to remember their morning routines.  I'm going with the later. Dude  - Get it together."

I will say that I am in Muy muy pain right now.  I can't take any pain killers this week and my lady parts are malfunctioning.  Thank heavens surgery is in 3 days.  I half bend over and walk out in the front area.  I use my awesome mom voice,

"Get your stuff and get in the car.  You have 2 minutes."

When I say stuff like this it is super implied that I used cuss words and yet none whispered the skin of my lips.  Also, when I say "car" I mean LARGE WHITE 16 PASSENGER VAN.  Honestly, it is ugly, but exquisite.  Every parent with young children should have one. 
Everyone came running.  EVERYONE had clothes on.  Amen.  Yes, Paige spilled her milk and cheerios all over herself and floor, but we have dogs for a reason.  

Oh Captain, I do feel for you.  I will download you some more Mariachi music today and put together a playlist for your mornings.  






Sunday, September 16, 2012

September



September has been so lovely thus far.  School is going well and you are all completing your school work and getting extremely nice grades.  I'm so impressed I just keep buying you shit.  Finally, an excuse to go shopping that is legit.  Yesterdia I took you, number 2 and 3, for haircuts and then a journey through Dana Park.  Alyssa and Lacy joined us for our buying feast.  

Super mom, "Oh, you want that top Paige? ............Well you are getting A's in all of your honors classes.  What kind of mom says no to a daughter that is doing so well in la escuela?"

To future yous: Ellie, you thanked me every time.  Paige, you looked and me and I could tell your large brain was all, "what else can I get her to buy?"  Both of these are life skills that will be useful in different areas of your life.  




Remember when I looked back real quick in the car the other day and thought Ava had eaten her poop?  Yea, not a great time until I figured out someone (PAIGE) had put some nutella on a stick.  ON A STICK.  Who does that?  Use a spoon lover.  Seriously.  Someone could poke an eye out.


You have been into photos of la self lately.  


I just ran across this photo whilst scooping out all of my old pictures. First off, you thought you were getting your picture taken with Joseph Smith and were excited to show the Mormons at school.  It was a beer ad.  Duh and awesome at the same time.  What I really dig is the shirt.  It is a wee Mexican holding a gun.  WTF.  Who is your mom?  What mom buys someone / their kid that shirt?  She must be super amazing.  


A, remember at your graduation how indifferent you were to tu padres?  

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Declaration by Miss. Esther - if you're NASTY

"If you like ice cream, put it on YOUR FACE."





As a side note:  If you don't understand the title of this post then please google/Jetson whatever Miss. Janet Jackson.  Get ready for some darling music videos where she is shouting her female angst at whomever will listen.  


"Who's that eaten that ..........nasty food.  (booming male voice) NASTY BOYS"

Ahhh exquisite.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Mama's Ranch Dia Tres



Oh how adorable.  You are a little spitfire that wanted to ride the horse all by yourself.  In this first picture you look as if you are a 30 year old in a wee body.




The weekend was so fun and the Steeds are a great family to vacation with.  Their boys - Jackson, Asher, and Finn are delicious.  Jessica's sister Tacy and her daughter Ella are so fun to be around.  When I asked you, A, what your favorite part of the whole weekend was you said, "ELLA!!!"  Then you said, "Is this Ella adopted like my other friend Ella?  No?  Darn it that would have been super cool if they were both adopted."  I think when you were 5 you wished you had different biological parents.  Just sayin.



There was a bit of a fight over the "smart" horse.  Apparently all of the other horses were dull and Sophie's horse SUGAR is the smartest bestest horse like ever.


Tanner's lady



Tanner's lady friend is a singer and delighted us with many a song.  You little ladies thoroughly enjoyed it.


I mean thoroughly.  Grown-up Ava, look at your face.  Your are sooooo into it.


Miss. Alyssa is in awe.  It could also be that I snapped this picture as their chair was going down.  And I mean downtown to the ground.  ALL the way to the Ground.  


Ava darling, you may look back at this and be all, "this was the night when I decided to become a STAR"

Mama's Ranch al la day 2






Mama's Ranch Labor Day 2012


There was quite a bit of shuffle boarding going on.  Look how intense you two are.  Damn amigos ease up.


Miss. Sue (as ya'all so affectionately call her) is one of my favorites ever.  She is such a great friend and we had a blast staying at her ranch.  


We went downtown one afternoon and you, Mr. Carter, fell in love with the Diablo burger joint.  It was all you could talk about the rest of the weekend.  "can we go again?"  "How about now?"  "Okay, how about now."  HOW ABOUT NEVER AGAIN?  How does that sound?  I think I'm going to switch tactics.  I'm going to bring up something annoying to you every 3 minutes.

"Hey Carter, breast or bottle feeding?  How do you feel about your future children and their nutrition?"

"Hey Carter, what if your future wife wants to have your babies at home in a kiddie pool?"

I can go on Fo Ev AR.


We took the Steeds with us and can I say, "Hell yeah." They are so kind and fun.  We went into Flagstaff and then sent the boys and Jessica's sister, Tacy, in the Steed's minivan.  In our car it was #2, #3, #4, Alyssa, Jessica and myself.  We had a driving dance-off.  Everyone sang "SOLID" and oldie that I can't get enough of it.  When we would shout "as a rock" everyone's arms would fist the air.  Such a memorable time.


Montage Estillo Mama's Ranch





Goodbye German Lover. We will miss you!



Eva's last week of lovliness



We went to brunch at St. Francis.  Eva had 4 cups of man coffee and said it was super yummy.  Dad invented a new guitar pic and ya'all enjoyed your regular feasts.  





The day before she left we went to Camelback Inn Spa.  Wow is all I can say.  It was empty outside by the pool.  We had a great tanning time.  Ms. Eva broke the pool a wee bit and the bored gentlemen came out and fixed it.  The massages were amazing and I had a man for my therapist.  First time for this experience and I felt a little dirty.  Then I felt like a prude.  Then in my head I was thinking, "Hmm. It may feel a little dirty having his hand on my ass, but it also feels soooo good."   Twas quite a dilemma I tell ya.  Take from this what you may.  Mayhaps you will always use a male body rubber or mayhaps you will steer clear due to my above convo.