Thursday, February 25, 2010

The number 4 and the Uncle Danny

I find it humorous that every morning most of us are getting ready for the day while #4 sleeps in a bit. I end up in a seat watching the Today show and shouting orders. Eventually everyone ends up in front of the Today Show to see a glimpse of what the weather is for the day. EVERY SINGLE MORNING when you get up number 4- - - - - - - you have to parade back and forth in front of all of us until we notice your precious existence and give a great cheer. "Whoo Hoo you are up. We are SOOO happy!!" Then you climb your little bum up next to me with a smile. (I must say that if it does not go in this direction you are miffed.) After the parade you sit up next to me and explain some elaborate meal that you have planned for me to make you this said morning.

Yesterday this ritual took place, I ran you all to school, and on the way home received a phone call. It was the lovely Captain. This is what he said,

N,"Hey Danny would like you to represent him."

Me,"Oh, what am I representing?"

N,"He would like to get his old crew back together, he would like t-shirts made (in Old English lettering) that say "Cardboard Breakers", and he would like you to pimp out their mad
break dancing skills.

Me," I don't hear Danny laughing. Is he serious."


Me,"Why don't I hear him laughing?"

N,"He is freaking serious. He is
break dancing in the car right now."

AWESOME. Danny those men in "your crew" have gone on to be hugely successful businessmen. I will try my best to get them back together again for a trip to an old folks home. Remember how you used to drag your crew to the senior citizen homes to compete in their talent shows. Remember that is how you and
NateDogg used to feed yourselves? I'm still amazed that some neighbor or teacher or a human being didn't see you guys and be like, "Hey these boys eat out of the trashcans a lot. Maybe I could step in and feed them." Oh there comes my irritation. That's it, I'm going out to feed starving young people today.

Back to the dancing. I'm going to try and orchestrate this just for you. There is one condition, stop with the "Aye
Papi". It truly makes it seem like you watched a Mexican film that was a wee sexual and are copying the young lady from the film. It DOESN'T work for you. Pick something else like, "Aye Gato" then you come across like you love your cat (Yes, I know you don't have one. No, we are not getting one. This is pretend.)

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


There is a first grade ritual that the teachers do. It is an assignment that involves a letter to the President of the United States. Guess what 3, you just completed this assignment. I love the following:

1. The picture you drew of yourself at a podium addressing the Pres. You have a purple side ponytail. There is a green glittery smiley sticker in the hair.
2. The letter itself


Translation - Stop the Wars PLEASE!!!

3. You handing it to me and being like, "I think he will listen if you send this to him."

Thank you!!!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

El Perro

I've been looking at photography to decorate the front room of the house. I came across this picture and couldn't stop laughing. I LOVE that etsy has introduced me to soooo many talented ladies. (I'm sure there are men on there, but I love supporting the ladies.) The coolest was the other night I was thinking, " I would like a GIANT picture of some sort of animal to hang in the front room.) I came across a hairy bull that I think I am going to buy. It is beyond words - LARGE, HAIRY, BULL and it has a look like, "I'm not bright ya'all, but I'm super hairy! Whoo Whoo!" I kind of want to order it. I feel like we literally live in a zoo lately.

There is a neighbor's dog that keeps coming over to "visit". (I jokingly say "visit" because it is more like my house is an extended stay Embassy Suites. You know the kind where instead of being $150 per night, you committ to being there 21 days and it drops the rate to $79 per night. I've never had any personal experience with this, but there are times when I'm driving down Main St and see such things advertized on motels. I guess Embassy Suites is WAY to nice to put in this category! Ok, I will say - - my house is more like one of those crappy extended stay Main St finds! ) This dog seriously looks like a cartoon. He is built like a very thick wiener dog, he has the face and fur of a collie. This little freaks name is Frankie. Frankie reminds me of Odie from Garfield. He also looks like two animals glued together. Frankie and Chica get along really well. If you remember back to your younger years you will recall that Chica isn't a friendly dog with anyone/thing but you guys. As Uncle Danny says, "That dog is mentally handicapped." She now wears a muzzle when she goes outside and wears little leather booties. The part that still stuns me is that she can scream like a little lady. I MEAN SCREAM. It is so funny / chilling. At first, every time, I think, "the dog is being killed." Then I look for her and notice she is screaming, Otto is standing four feet away from her, and she is looking around to see if I am watching. Not Kidding.

Back to Frankie, now when I open the front door 2 out of 6 times a day Frankie hops on in the house for a visit. I called Frankie's mom the first day and when she came to get him she had her German Shepard and minpin in her golf cart (NOT ON LEASHES)

All at once:

1. Chica and Frankie ran out to the front yard.
2. The German Shepard started running at Chica to attack her
3. The mom is yelling, "She was attacked once on a leash so she either attacks or becomes submissive."
4. Chica is running and growling at the German Shepard and the German Shepard is trying to eat her.
5. Frankie has his tongue hanging out of his mouth and looks like he is laughing.
6. The mom gets the German Shepard back in the golf cart and tells me that it bit the eye out of the minpin 2 weeks ago.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Kim the baby maker

I was just watching a special on E involving Kimora giving birth to her third child. I was crying and loving it. It never gets old to me to watch a baby being born. I love that everyone has a different experience and I LOVE seeing the new baby. It is just Ava and I watching and I kind of forgot that she was sitting next to me until I hear,

"Hey mom. Where is Kimmy? She's supposed to be in this movie."

It is super funny to me that you, Miss A, think that if a baby is involved it was from Auntie Kimmy's womb. (Yes, I said womb. What it bothers you as much as slacks does to me. OK I can respect that.) I looked at you and on the tv Kimora's daughters are now in the hospital room holding the baby, you say,

"Hey look - there is Ellie."


Saturday, February 13, 2010

Mom puts on her big girl panties

When I worked at America West I used to fire people ...........a lot. It never really phased me. I was super good at , "hey this is all you and not me." which is actually mature in nature. It is ideal to be able to not let others happiness affect mine. It is ideal to understand that when someone is not performing their job duties they are the ones that determine whether or not they get to have a job. I GOT that.

10 Years later. I still get all of the above. The difference is I now sprinkle in the following:

1. People are super damaged
2. As a result of #1, they do bad because they feel bad
3. As a result of #2, they can be rude, unkind, and unmotivated
4. As a result of #3, they sabotage their employment

So sometimes it is not easy to be honest with someone that you know can't grasp their personal ownership in their life experiences. I know that if I were someone who liked to wash away feelings, I would be drinking for the next 12 days. Instead I am going to do the following, I am going to write some of the words that I prohibit you, my lovely offspring, from saying. ( I understand that you will be adults when I finally give this to you, so the damage of your mother capitalizing and writing these words will not occur)

SUCK, STUPID, IDIOT, HATE, SLACKS, CHUNKY, FART, CRAP (I can't stand slacks and chunky - seriously. Kim and I will text these words to each other once in awhile just to be annoying.)

Thursday, February 11, 2010

My imaginary Best Friend

So April and Jen came over today for some crying and some cooking. We had Time Travelers wife on in the background (hence the crying) and we cooked up some scones and cookies. I guess technically it is baking. April printed out Giada's Lemon ricotta cookies and the rosemary scones. I must say Ms. Giada knows her stuff. I LOVE all of her recipes. I really think that if she met me we would be besties. I could call her up and be like,

ME: "Hey G Waz Up? I'm thinking I would like to make something for dinner tonight that involves - - ricotta, cucumbers, sausage, strawberries, and lamb."

G: "Hey my best friend. I have the perfect dish for you. (blah, blah, blah---This is where she goes on to explain the most exquisite dish I have ever heard.)"

ME: "Oh my, that sounds absolutely delicious!!! Do you want to bring Jade over and I could watch her and you could just whip this up for me?"

I had a great time with the lovely ladies that were here today!! The Time Travelers Wife was just too darn sad for me. I love that one of our conversations was,

"If my husband were a time traveler I wouldn't let him go out jogging alone."

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Danny Frame of Reference

Nate just sent me a text of a VERY large truck with double wheels in the back; the license plate said MOM5. He said he just looked at it and didn't think much of it. Mostly, hey there is a mom with 5 kids that likes really big trucks. Danny turns to him and says,

"That guy must have 5 moms. Wow........................................that is just like us."

The thought that it was a woman with 5 kids NEVER crossed his mind. I love that Danny still lives in the paradigm of polygamy. I wonder if he thinks I am his wife too. Remember the time I was at the grocery store and he asked me if Ava was his? hahahahahahahahaha can't stop laughing hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

A glimpse into what might be wrong with people

I just found the weirdest website I have ever seen. REAL HUMAN SKULLS for sale. How is that legal? The link above has raccoon penis bones for sale.......only $10.00.

I must say that I really love the posters and butterflies. REALLY LOVE. Question is does that outweigh the penis bones? I'm still not quite sure. What I am sure of is that whoever is in charge of "collecting" the peni (I'm making it plural like cactus/cacti.) bones must be in therapy. When picking up the ladies it might be kinda uncomfortable..........

Lovely Lady, "Hey what do you do for a job?"

Peni Extractor "The thing is, I have a variety of skills. One of my main job duties is to chop up raccoons and rats and to remove their penis bones. It is a really intense job so I vacation quite a bit to try to wipe away the memories of what I do for a living. You want to go out on a date sometime?"

On some of the other pages this site offers:

A small shark in a jar
A small rat skeleton in a jar
A stuffed (obviously dead) chick in a box

The thing is the first two look really interesting to me. The chick makes me ill. There are so many bizzare items available for purchase. I really Love the posters though. Hot Dam this is making me crazy. I am torn between the pretty butterflies and the REAL HUMAN SKULLS. How the freak are they selling them? You can purchase one for only $1495.00. Can we think up something stranger to sell? How about................................still thinking......................................nope can't come up with anything.
I just showed the Captain this entry and took him to the site. He kept saying,
"I'm sure there is a reason for the penis bones. Maybe they grid them up for a tea or something?"
I AM NOT KIDDING------------------TEA.
So, I gingerly show him the bones and read all of the description to him
......................and the penis bones are showcased behind glass................
He doesn't understand. Awesome!

Friday, February 5, 2010

Name Change

Diamond Luxury an independent BMW dealer that we have worked with for 7 years. About 3 years ago this kid (maybe 25) came to work for them. I don't know his full name, but I know it was Russian and it was a VERY long name. The owner of the dealer looked at him and said, "Your name is now Jean Paul". Guess what he said................................"Ok!" He has been Jean Paul ever since. This name is not just for customers, but his family and friends also took on the name change and call him Jean Paul.

I relate this to you, my dears, because you also like to rename people. Remember when you, #3, came home from preschool and couldn't stop talking about Max. Finally I asked your teacher to point Max out to me so that I could invite him over to play. Guess what? NO MAX. HIS NAME IS HARRISON. Really, it is not like they even have similar number of syllables.

On to you #4. When we went on a trip with the Pearces you called their son Landon by the name Amber. This went on for 3 days. For the months following the trip you would ask about Amber. It was sweet and really quite cute. Today I told you that Landon was coming over.

You said, "Who?"

I said, "You know the one you call Amber."

You said, "Oh, I wouldn't call him that. That is not his name. His name is Lan Dick Um"

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Dear Miss. A,

While making dinner in the kitchen tonight, you and I were chatting it up. We had Jungle Drums playing and you were all, (Please try to remember that you are a wee 3 yr old that has the tinest little voice that I adore!!)

A: "Hey mama, Ava loves the painter man." (Jorge is painting my bedroom ceiling as we are dancing. )

Me: "Yes, he is a fine painter don't you think?"

A: " Mom Ella is my twin." (Ella is April's daughter)

Me: "Yes, you two had a great time the other day!"

At this point in our dance-ation I am looking down chopping and you are running around the kitchen. Then I hear,

A: "Hey mom, here is some pee in a cup."

Me: "What?????" (I grab said cup and feel it is warm in temperature)

A: "I couldn't make it to the potty so I put my pee in a cup."

Me: "Wow. First, thank you for using a disposable cup. Second, thank you for not peeing on the floor. Third, next time use the potty."

A: "Sure. No Thank you."