"The Talk"

Dear children,

I know someday you may ask me how our "birds and the bees talk" went. Now know that is an extremely progressive process, but yesterdays talk was one of the BEST I have ever had.

Me, "hey number 1 I bought some facial cleanser that I want you to start using. I think you are at the begining stages of puberty and it will help keep your face clear."

#1, " Is puberty the same thing as a period?"

Me, " No, periods only happen in girls and women. It is when the uterus.....blah, blah, blah..eggs...blah,blah.......it has other names like menstration, Aunt Flo, the curse, being on the rag. Why do you ask?"

#1, " Some girl in my class just got hers and I didn't know if I was going to get one. She is Native American and got some tatoos by her eyes because she got her period."

(Honestly son, you are so comfortable saying the word period. I don't know how I was able to keep a straight face through our whole conversation.....Wait, it gets better.)

Me, " Puberty is when your hormones shift and your voice changes, you will start to get taller, you may get pimples, and for boys you may notice that your penis will be hard in the morning. This has many names erection, boner and if your sheets are wet some people call that a wet dream. This is nothing to be scared of. It is completely normal. If you ever have any questions I want you to feel free to ask me."

#1, " Do you get wet a lot in the mornings from Dad?"

Me, " Of course
(Okay in my head I am thinking - Don't laugh. You also want him to know it is normal for young men and older men. Go with it.)
Dad gets me wet all of the time.
(Did I just say that? Am I really having this conversation. I can't believe they are so relaxed. Am I too relaxed? )

#3 , "Why don't you want me to squeeze?"

Me,"I just think this is a feeling you want to wait to have with your husband someday."

#3, " I am NEVER getting married - so why can't I squeeze?"

#2, " How big are my eggs?"

#1,"Can I get a tattoo?"
(Ok does tattoo have 2t's and 2o's???? I never write about them so I don't know off hand.)

Me,"Wow look at the dog she is totally eating that paper plate someone left on the floor."
(And here is how we ended our conversation.)

I will NEVER forget our "talk" you guys were great!!! Who knew I could still be shocked. Of course when I told the Captain about it he covered his ears and told me not to say such things in front of him. heeheehee Captain - you are sooooo silly.

Love,

Director of Public Relations regarding The Birds and the Bees
THE MAMA