Sunday, September 23, 2012

Post Surgery - AKA - The Lady is back without the faulty partssss

Lovers, it has now been 48 hours since I had all of my faulty lady bits removed from my amazing body.  I'm sure the rest of me was all, 

"Oh Dr. Wilson.  Please remove the shit that is clogging up my loveliness.  We are being taken down by the essence that is "the female breeding Olympics of the past" Dr. Wilson (Yes we think of Dennis the Mennis also)  we love you so muy much for taking care of our Mistress. "

Above and below is a picture of the type of machine that liberated your mother.  Liberated in the sense that I will no longer have to be taken down by the menstruation and the bowels of fury. 

This is super amazing/painful.  The belly is blown up with CO2 after a multitude of holes are poked in thy belly button.  I can hear you now, "Mom. Please give us a pros and cons list"

1.  Dr. Wilson can see the disaster that is "your mother's uterus and diseased lady bits." due to the fact that there is now SO MUCH ROOM IN THERE.
2.  Dr. Wilson can get to all of said problem areas
1.  IT HURTS LIKE A MOTHA F**ER after surgery.  The first night at the hospital I thought I was having a heart attack.  I looked at the nurse and said, "Oh Dear.  I believe I may be having a heart attack.  It feels a bit weird in the chest area."  Nurses answer, "No drugged up lady - tis just gas"

So, I felt pretty good afterwards.  I walked right away and my "tech" / nurse-man Carlos told me not to be a tough guy.  I told Carlos (and I must say I had to really work at not implementing my everyday vocab of Spanglish so as not to offend) I said, "Carlos, I hear it is good for "the gas" I need to get my ass out there walking."  Carlos disagreed.  Did I mention that when he introduced himself to me he said he was my "tech".  A.....MMMMMAZING

A wee bit later when my body tried puking,  Carlos had a "I told you so" look on his face.  Damn-it Carlos, not cool.  I was given Fennergin.  Hell, I don't know how to spell that.  Let me just say this;  I thought I had a stroke.  My words started slurring and I turned to your father and told him I thought as much.  He laughed.  It wasn't funny.  I said, "Captain.  Seriously thease tell em I ad a stoke"  Hahahahaha.  Now it is muy funny.  

So the rest of the night went ok.  Up every hour to try to push some blue urine out of my body.  Hot Damn that was hard work.  Morning arrived and I looked at your father and said, "I am soooo ready to go home."  I look at the door and Dr. Wilson walked in LITERALLY 2 SECONDS LATER.  I am not joking.  He may be Doctor Jesus.  

Dr. Jesus informed me of what he found in the wombish area.  
1.  Endometriosis (picture of some below)

Dr. Jesus said this surprised him.  Ahhh, I too love a good surprise.   I can't wait for my follow-up;  he said that he has pictures.  Praise Dr. Jesus I knew we were a match made in doctor Jesus heaven.  
2.  Something about the endometriosis attaching some bowels to my left ovary.
3.  Something about "varicose veins" in my pelvic lining.  I know that he didn't call them that, but that was how he related it to me.  He said there were 2 of them and he dug in to the pelvic wall to remove them.  He also stated that they are associated with pain. Rad
4.  Here is the best one.  He said that he stuck a tube (I think he said tube) up my vagina into my uterus and mine was hard.  When he shoved it in he found that I had a "bag" of sorts that old blood was pooling in.  I believe he may have said the word "rot" within this context.  He said he drained it before removing the uterus.  He said that every month since my ablation things have been draining into this area -----wait for it-----------------and staying there.  RAD RAD RAD

Did I mention that Tacy was able to be in on my surgery.  Can I even say how this relaxed me.  I LOVED having her there.  She is the bomb and how cool is it that I was able to meet her last month and have her in on the delicate operation of my goddess organs.  

1 comment:

bryanparker5 said...

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